diff --git a/functions/src/__tests__/flows.test.ts b/functions/src/__tests__/flows.test.ts
index 32ea72e..f7fe5d9 100644
--- a/functions/src/__tests__/flows.test.ts
+++ b/functions/src/__tests__/flows.test.ts
@@ -1,6 +1,6 @@
 import "./setup";
 import { afterAll, beforeEach, describe, expect, it } from "vitest";
-import { admin, db } from "../platform";
+import { CLOUDINARY_CLOUD_NAME, admin, db } from "../platform";
 import { ensureUserProfileCallable, deleteUserAccount } from "../users";
 import { createPostCallable, createCommentCallable } from "../posts";
 import { createPetCallable } from "../pets";
@@ -324,7 +324,7 @@ describe("cloudinary upload signature", () => {
       .digest("hex");
 
     expect(res.signature).toBe(expected);
-    expect(res.cloudName).toBe(process.env.CLOUDINARY_CLOUD_NAME);
+    expect(res.cloudName).toBe(CLOUDINARY_CLOUD_NAME);
     expect(res.apiKey).toBe(process.env.CLOUDINARY_API_KEY);
   });
 
diff --git a/functions/src/__tests__/media-url-ownership.test.ts b/functions/src/__tests__/media-url-ownership.test.ts
index c0348d8..64060be 100644
--- a/functions/src/__tests__/media-url-ownership.test.ts
+++ b/functions/src/__tests__/media-url-ownership.test.ts
@@ -1,6 +1,6 @@
 import "./setup";
 import { afterAll, beforeEach, describe, expect, it } from "vitest";
-import { admin, db } from "../platform";
+import { admin, db, CLOUDINARY_CLOUD_NAME } from "../platform";
 import { createPostCallable } from "../posts";
 import { updatePetCallable } from "../pets";
 import { callAs, clearRateLimits, errorCodeOf } from "./helpers";
@@ -13,17 +13,18 @@ import { callAs, clearRateLimits, errorCodeOf } from "./helpers";
 // asset, so anything that survives moderation can be swapped afterwards at the
 // same URL.
 //
-// setup.ts sets CLOUDINARY_CLOUD_NAME=test-cloud, so "test-cloud" is ours.
+// The cloud name is a plain constant in platform.ts, so these tests exercise
+// the exact value production uses rather than an environment stand-in.
 
 const OWNER = "media-owner";
 const PET = "media-pet";
+const CLOUD = CLOUDINARY_CLOUD_NAME;
 
 const ours = (p = "petnote/users/media-owner/photo.jpg") =>
-  `https://res.cloudinary.com/test-cloud/image/upload/v1700000000/${p}`;
+  `https://res.cloudinary.com/${CLOUD}/image/upload/v1700000000/${p}`;
 const foreignCloud =
   "https://res.cloudinary.com/attacker-cloud/image/upload/v1700000000/petnote/users/media-owner/photo.jpg";
-const ourCloudOutsideFolder =
-  "https://res.cloudinary.com/test-cloud/image/upload/v1700000000/somewhere-else/photo.jpg";
+const ourCloudOutsideFolder = `https://res.cloudinary.com/${CLOUD}/image/upload/v1700000000/somewhere-else/photo.jpg`;
 
 async function wipe() {
   for (const c of ["users", "pets", "posts", "callableRateLimits", "notifications"]) {
diff --git a/functions/src/__tests__/setup.ts b/functions/src/__tests__/setup.ts
index 6e439d6..a197a7d 100644
--- a/functions/src/__tests__/setup.ts
+++ b/functions/src/__tests__/setup.ts
@@ -11,7 +11,11 @@ process.env.GCLOUD_PROJECT ||= "petnote-test";
 // defineSecret(...).value() reads process.env, so the Cloudinary signature
 // tests can supply values without a real Secret Manager. These are obviously
 // fake and exist only so the signing path can be exercised end to end.
-process.env.CLOUDINARY_CLOUD_NAME ||= "test-cloud";
+//
+// CLOUDINARY_CLOUD_NAME is deliberately NOT here. It is a plain constant in
+// platform.ts, not a secret, so tests read the same value production does —
+// which is the point: a test can no longer pass because the environment
+// happened to supply something the deployed function would not have.
 process.env.CLOUDINARY_API_KEY ||= "test-api-key";
 process.env.CLOUDINARY_API_SECRET ||= "test-api-secret";
 process.env.FIREBASE_CONFIG ||= JSON.stringify({
diff --git a/functions/src/media.ts b/functions/src/media.ts
index e01054a..ae06dbb 100644
--- a/functions/src/media.ts
+++ b/functions/src/media.ts
@@ -64,7 +64,7 @@ function userFolder(callerUid: string): string {
 
 export const getCloudinaryUploadSignature = onCall(
   {
-    secrets: [CLOUDINARY_CLOUD_NAME, CLOUDINARY_API_KEY, CLOUDINARY_API_SECRET],
+    secrets: [CLOUDINARY_API_KEY, CLOUDINARY_API_SECRET],
   },
   async (request) => {
     const callerUid = request.auth?.uid;
@@ -90,11 +90,12 @@ export const getCloudinaryUploadSignature = onCall(
       throw new HttpsError("invalid-argument", "resourceType must be 'image' or 'video'.");
     }
 
-    const cloudName = CLOUDINARY_CLOUD_NAME.value();
+    const cloudName = CLOUDINARY_CLOUD_NAME;
     const apiKey = CLOUDINARY_API_KEY.value();
     const apiSecret = CLOUDINARY_API_SECRET.value();
 
-    if (!cloudName || !apiKey || !apiSecret) {
+    // cloudName is a constant now, so only the two real secrets can be missing.
+    if (!apiKey || !apiSecret) {
       throw new HttpsError("failed-precondition", "Cloudinary secrets are not configured.");
     }
 
@@ -140,7 +141,7 @@ export const getCloudinaryUploadSignature = onCall(
 // destroyed because the prefix won't match.
 export const deleteCloudinaryAssetsCallable = onCall(
   {
-    secrets: [CLOUDINARY_CLOUD_NAME, CLOUDINARY_API_KEY, CLOUDINARY_API_SECRET],
+    secrets: [CLOUDINARY_API_KEY, CLOUDINARY_API_SECRET],
   },
   async (request) => {
     const callerUid = request.auth?.uid;
@@ -191,10 +192,11 @@ export const deleteCloudinaryAssetsCallable = onCall(
       validated.push({ publicId, resourceType });
     }
 
-    const cloudName = CLOUDINARY_CLOUD_NAME.value();
+    const cloudName = CLOUDINARY_CLOUD_NAME;
     const apiKey = CLOUDINARY_API_KEY.value();
     const apiSecret = CLOUDINARY_API_SECRET.value();
-    if (!cloudName || !apiKey || !apiSecret) {
+    // cloudName is a constant now, so only the two real secrets can be missing.
+    if (!apiKey || !apiSecret) {
       throw new HttpsError("failed-precondition", "Cloudinary secrets are not configured.");
     }
 
diff --git a/functions/src/meetups.ts b/functions/src/meetups.ts
index 0ad75c2..0542b23 100644
--- a/functions/src/meetups.ts
+++ b/functions/src/meetups.ts
@@ -1,7 +1,7 @@
 import { onDocumentDeleted } from "firebase-functions/v2/firestore";
 import { onCall, HttpsError } from "firebase-functions/v2/https";
 import { onSchedule } from "firebase-functions/v2/scheduler";
-import { admin, db, CLOUDINARY_CLOUD_NAME } from "./platform";
+import { admin, db } from "./platform";
 import { assertActorNotDeleting, getNotificationActor } from "./notifications";
 import {
   assertRateLimit,
@@ -225,12 +225,7 @@ export const onParticipantDeleted = onDocumentDeleted(
   }
 );
 
-export const createMeetupCallable = onCall(
-  // Binds the cloud name so validateTrustedHttpsUrl can confirm a
-  // res.cloudinary.com url is OUR asset and not a free account someone
-  // else controls. Without it the validator throws rather than degrade.
-  { secrets: [CLOUDINARY_CLOUD_NAME] },
-  async (request) => {
+export const createMeetupCallable = onCall(async (request) => {
   const callerAuth = request.auth;
   const callerUid = callerAuth?.uid;
   if (!callerUid) throw new HttpsError("unauthenticated", "Must be logged in.");
@@ -426,12 +421,7 @@ export const createMeetupCallable = onCall(
   return { id: meetupRef.id };
 });
 
-export const updateMeetupCallable = onCall(
-  // Binds the cloud name so validateTrustedHttpsUrl can confirm a
-  // res.cloudinary.com url is OUR asset and not a free account someone
-  // else controls. Without it the validator throws rather than degrade.
-  { secrets: [CLOUDINARY_CLOUD_NAME] },
-  async (request) => {
+export const updateMeetupCallable = onCall(async (request) => {
   const callerUid = request.auth?.uid;
   if (!callerUid) throw new HttpsError("unauthenticated", "Must be logged in.");
 
diff --git a/functions/src/pets.ts b/functions/src/pets.ts
index 3378527..2249688 100644
--- a/functions/src/pets.ts
+++ b/functions/src/pets.ts
@@ -1,5 +1,5 @@
 import { onCall, HttpsError } from "firebase-functions/v2/https";
-import { admin, db, CLOUDINARY_CLOUD_NAME } from "./platform";
+import { admin, db } from "./platform";
 import { cascadeDeletePet } from "./cleanup";
 import { assertActorNotDeleting, getNotificationActor } from "./notifications";
 import {
@@ -188,12 +188,7 @@ export async function getAccessiblePet(
   return canAccess ? petData : null;
 }
 
-export const createPetCallable = onCall(
-  // Binds the cloud name so validateTrustedHttpsUrl can confirm a
-  // res.cloudinary.com url is OUR asset and not a free account someone
-  // else controls. Without it the validator throws rather than degrade.
-  { secrets: [CLOUDINARY_CLOUD_NAME] },
-  async (request) => {
+export const createPetCallable = onCall(async (request) => {
   const callerUid = request.auth?.uid;
   if (!callerUid) throw new HttpsError("unauthenticated", "Must be logged in.");
 
@@ -252,12 +247,7 @@ export const createPetCallable = onCall(
   return { id: petRef.id };
 });
 
-export const updatePetCallable = onCall(
-  // Binds the cloud name so validateTrustedHttpsUrl can confirm a
-  // res.cloudinary.com url is OUR asset and not a free account someone
-  // else controls. Without it the validator throws rather than degrade.
-  { secrets: [CLOUDINARY_CLOUD_NAME] },
-  async (request) => {
+export const updatePetCallable = onCall(async (request) => {
   const callerUid = request.auth?.uid;
   if (!callerUid) throw new HttpsError("unauthenticated", "Must be logged in.");
 
diff --git a/functions/src/places.ts b/functions/src/places.ts
index 44502cb..46cf5a9 100644
--- a/functions/src/places.ts
+++ b/functions/src/places.ts
@@ -1,7 +1,7 @@
 import { createHash } from "node:crypto";
 import { onDocumentCreated, onDocumentDeleted } from "firebase-functions/v2/firestore";
 import { onCall, HttpsError } from "firebase-functions/v2/https";
-import { admin, db, CLOUDINARY_CLOUD_NAME } from "./platform";
+import { admin, db } from "./platform";
 import { assertActorNotDeleting, getNotificationActor } from "./notifications";
 import { deleteCollectionPath } from "./cleanup";
 import {
@@ -483,12 +483,7 @@ export const onLocationDeleted = onDocumentDeleted(
   }
 );
 
-export const addPlaceCallable = onCall(
-  // Binds the cloud name so validateTrustedHttpsUrl can confirm a
-  // res.cloudinary.com url is OUR asset and not a free account someone
-  // else controls. Without it the validator throws rather than degrade.
-  { secrets: [CLOUDINARY_CLOUD_NAME] },
-  async (request) => {
+export const addPlaceCallable = onCall(async (request) => {
   const callerAuth = request.auth;
   const callerUid = callerAuth?.uid;
   if (!callerUid) throw new HttpsError("unauthenticated", "Must be logged in.");
@@ -552,12 +547,7 @@ export const addPlaceCallable = onCall(
   return { locationId, alreadyExisted };
 });
 
-export const addLocationPhotosCallable = onCall(
-  // Binds the cloud name so validateTrustedHttpsUrl can confirm a
-  // res.cloudinary.com url is OUR asset and not a free account someone
-  // else controls. Without it the validator throws rather than degrade.
-  { secrets: [CLOUDINARY_CLOUD_NAME] },
-  async (request) => {
+export const addLocationPhotosCallable = onCall(async (request) => {
   const callerAuth = request.auth;
   const callerUid = callerAuth?.uid;
   if (!callerUid) throw new HttpsError("unauthenticated", "Must be logged in.");
@@ -600,12 +590,7 @@ export const addLocationPhotosCallable = onCall(
   return { success: true };
 });
 
-export const submitReviewCallable = onCall(
-  // Binds the cloud name so validateTrustedHttpsUrl can confirm a
-  // res.cloudinary.com url is OUR asset and not a free account someone
-  // else controls. Without it the validator throws rather than degrade.
-  { secrets: [CLOUDINARY_CLOUD_NAME] },
-  async (request) => {
+export const submitReviewCallable = onCall(async (request) => {
   const callerAuth = request.auth;
   const callerUid = callerAuth?.uid;
   if (!callerUid) throw new HttpsError("unauthenticated", "Must be logged in.");
@@ -748,12 +733,7 @@ export const submitReviewCallable = onCall(
   return { id: reviewId };
 });
 
-export const checkInCallable = onCall(
-  // Binds the cloud name so validateTrustedHttpsUrl can confirm a
-  // res.cloudinary.com url is OUR asset and not a free account someone
-  // else controls. Without it the validator throws rather than degrade.
-  { secrets: [CLOUDINARY_CLOUD_NAME] },
-  async (request) => {
+export const checkInCallable = onCall(async (request) => {
   const callerAuth = request.auth;
   const callerUid = callerAuth?.uid;
   if (!callerUid) throw new HttpsError("unauthenticated", "Must be logged in.");
diff --git a/functions/src/platform.ts b/functions/src/platform.ts
index 5caa2ce..82b59f0 100644
--- a/functions/src/platform.ts
+++ b/functions/src/platform.ts
@@ -11,12 +11,25 @@ if (admin.apps.length === 0) {
 }
 
 const db = admin.firestore();
-const CLOUDINARY_CLOUD_NAME = defineSecret("CLOUDINARY_CLOUD_NAME");
 const CLOUDINARY_API_KEY = defineSecret("CLOUDINARY_API_KEY");
 const CLOUDINARY_API_SECRET = defineSecret("CLOUDINARY_API_SECRET");
 const GEOAPIFY_API_KEY = defineSecret("GEOAPIFY_API_KEY");
 const CLOUDINARY_FOLDER = "petnote";
 
+// Not a secret, and it was a mistake to store it as one. The cloud name is the
+// first path segment of every image URL the app serves — it is public by
+// construction, and anyone who has loaded a single photo has it.
+//
+// Treating it as a secret invented a failure mode with no upside: any callable
+// that validates a media URL had to remember `secrets: [CLOUDINARY_CLOUD_NAME]`,
+// and one that forgot passed CI — the emulator drives handlers through .run(),
+// which bypasses secret mounting entirely, and setup.ts sets the variable
+// directly — then threw in production on the first upload. Eleven callables
+// carried that binding purely to read a value that was never confidential.
+//
+// The API key and secret stay in Secret Manager. Those are the credentials.
+const CLOUDINARY_CLOUD_NAME = "dgeunvmmn";
+
 export {
   admin,
   db,
diff --git a/functions/src/posts.ts b/functions/src/posts.ts
index f71e2cd..3fda33e 100644
--- a/functions/src/posts.ts
+++ b/functions/src/posts.ts
@@ -1,6 +1,6 @@
 import { onDocumentWritten } from "firebase-functions/v2/firestore";
 import { onCall, HttpsError } from "firebase-functions/v2/https";
-import { admin, db, CLOUDINARY_CLOUD_NAME } from "./platform";
+import { admin, db } from "./platform";
 import { cascadeDeletePost, deleteQueryDocs } from "./cleanup";
 import { assertActorNotDeleting, getNotificationActor } from "./notifications";
 import {
@@ -137,12 +137,7 @@ export const onPostWritten = onDocumentWritten("posts/{postId}", async (event) =
   });
 });
 
-export const createPostCallable = onCall(
-  // Binds the cloud name so validateTrustedHttpsUrl can confirm a
-  // res.cloudinary.com url is OUR asset and not a free account someone
-  // else controls. Without it the validator throws rather than degrade.
-  { secrets: [CLOUDINARY_CLOUD_NAME] },
-  async (request) => {
+export const createPostCallable = onCall(async (request) => {
   const callerAuth = request.auth;
   const callerUid = callerAuth?.uid;
   if (!callerUid) throw new HttpsError("unauthenticated", "Must be logged in.");
diff --git a/functions/src/shared.ts b/functions/src/shared.ts
index b98348c..cffe8e6 100644
--- a/functions/src/shared.ts
+++ b/functions/src/shared.ts
@@ -1,5 +1,10 @@
 import { HttpsError } from "firebase-functions/v2/https";
-import { admin, db, CLOUDINARY_FOLDER } from "./platform";
+import {
+  admin,
+  db,
+  CLOUDINARY_CLOUD_NAME,
+  CLOUDINARY_FOLDER,
+} from "./platform";
 
 export const FIRESTORE_BATCH_LIMIT = 450;
 export const LOCATION_PHOTO_PREVIEW_LIMIT = 30;
@@ -181,19 +186,11 @@ export const CLOUDINARY_HOST = "res.cloudinary.com";
  * smaller problem than a foreign bucket.
  */
 function assertOwnCloudinaryAsset(parsed: URL, fieldName: string): void {
-  // Read from the environment rather than CLOUDINARY_CLOUD_NAME.value() so
-  // this module does not have to import a secret param that every caller
-  // would then need to bind; a bound secret IS an env var at runtime.
-  const cloudName = process.env.CLOUDINARY_CLOUD_NAME;
-  if (!cloudName) {
-    // Loud, not lenient. A callable that validates media URLs without the
-    // cloud name available is a deploy misconfiguration, and quietly falling
-    // back to host-only checking would reopen the hole without anyone seeing.
-    throw new HttpsError(
-      "internal",
-      "Media URL validation is misconfigured on the server."
-    );
-  }
+  // A plain constant now, not a secret param read out of the environment.
+  // There is no longer a way for a caller to reach this function without the
+  // cloud name available, so the "misconfigured" branch that used to guard
+  // that case is gone with it.
+  const cloudName = CLOUDINARY_CLOUD_NAME;
   if (
     !parsed.pathname.startsWith(`/${cloudName}/`) ||
     !parsed.pathname.includes(`/${CLOUDINARY_FOLDER}/`)
diff --git a/functions/src/users.ts b/functions/src/users.ts
index 3f351e0..608cb78 100644
--- a/functions/src/users.ts
+++ b/functions/src/users.ts
@@ -1,7 +1,7 @@
 import { createHash, randomInt } from "node:crypto";
 import { onDocumentCreated, onDocumentWritten } from "firebase-functions/v2/firestore";
 import { onCall, HttpsError } from "firebase-functions/v2/https";
-import { admin, db, CLOUDINARY_CLOUD_NAME } from "./platform";
+import { admin, db } from "./platform";
 import {
   cascadeDeleteMeetup,
   cascadeDeletePet,
@@ -283,12 +283,7 @@ export const onFamilyCreated = onDocumentCreated(
   }
 );
 
-export const ensureUserProfileCallable = onCall(
-  // Binds the cloud name so validateTrustedHttpsUrl can confirm a
-  // res.cloudinary.com url is OUR asset and not a free account someone
-  // else controls. Without it the validator throws rather than degrade.
-  { secrets: [CLOUDINARY_CLOUD_NAME] },
-  async (request) => {
+export const ensureUserProfileCallable = onCall(async (request) => {
   const callerUid = request.auth?.uid;
   if (!callerUid) {
     throw new HttpsError("unauthenticated", "Must be logged in.");
@@ -398,12 +393,7 @@ export const checkDisplayNameAvailabilityCallable = onCall(async (request) => {
   return { available: !taken, taken };
 });
 
-export const updateUserProfileCallable = onCall(
-  // Binds the cloud name so validateTrustedHttpsUrl can confirm a
-  // res.cloudinary.com url is OUR asset and not a free account someone
-  // else controls. Without it the validator throws rather than degrade.
-  { secrets: [CLOUDINARY_CLOUD_NAME] },
-  async (request) => {
+export const updateUserProfileCallable = onCall(async (request) => {
   const callerUid = request.auth?.uid;
   if (!callerUid) {
     throw new HttpsError("unauthenticated", "Must be logged in.");